In Which Mike Chang is Like, The Yoda of Girls
by Hanna Marin
Summary: I'm horrible at summaries.Sorry :p reviews make my day/motivate me!


Things had been super weird in the Glee world lately. Finn and Quinn had become the power couple again, but this time Puck was like, cool with it. They seemed to work together, and they were happy all the time, so who was he to judge? Sam had moped around for a few weeks after Quinn had left him, and then Santana had apparently snuck into the boys' locker room in a towel and "accidentally" dropped it when the lonely golden boy had walked in(which Puck knew, actually, was not an original move, as he'd watched that show with the basketball and that hot Brooke girl while stoned with San way more times than he'd ever admit), so they were apparently a "thing" now.

And Rachel, surprisingly, seemed to be okay with the "Fuinn"(people at McKinley seriously had _way_ too much time of their hands) reunion. She seemed…brighter, maybe, than she had in a while. And that was cool.

Not that he cared. It was just nice if she was like, less psycho. Generally she was less cray-cray when she was happy.

So that was how everything was that Monday afternoon when he sat behind her in Glee. Weird, but the sort of weird you got used to eventually.

That is, until he heard her giggle over her phone.

Schue wasn't there yet, and he was bored as fuck, which he had never dealt with very well. Probably why he was always getting into trouble.

Anyway.

She giggled again, so he politely leaned over and said, "What'cha reading'?" in the most annoying voice he could muster.

Rachel bit her lip when she felt his warm breath against her neck. No particular reason, just…it felt nice(okay, maybe there had been a moment during _Need You Now_. But she had probably made a bigger deal out of that than it was. Right? RIGHT?)

Wait. What had he just asked?

"Oh, um, just something from Kurt. He seems to have acclimated well to Dalton life," she said, sliding her phone closed.

"Right."

Still bored.

You know, he really couldn't be accountable for his own actions when he was bored. Which made her screeching "Excuse me, Noah!" when he snatched her phone away from her extremely unnecessary.

Which he said, because it just needed to be said.

"Unnecessary," he stated, getting up from his seat and pacing the room as he began to skim her texts.

"Noah!" she said, semi-chasing him around the room and poking him in the back.

Her phone blipped, and she hissed in frustration.

Puck opened the new text from Kurt.

"_Cedes says there's some Puckleberry drama unfolding. Why have u been holding out on me?"_

Puck glanced up briefly, and saw Mercedes furiously texting and watching the two of them, her other hand twitching as if she wished she had a bucket of popcorn with her to accompany this spectacle(though to be fair, the other Glee kids that had filtered in seemed to be experiencing the same thing).

Back…back…back…Jesus effing Christ, how many times could Kurt mention Manolo Blahniks? Like, really?  
_"Danny said he enjoyed the coffee date. Blaine says he can't stop talking about u! Updates soon, bb"_

What.

Danny is like, the pussiest name ever.

Why would she have coffee with this douche?

And hadn't she said coffee was bad for her "precious vocal cords"?

Or something like that(it wasn't like he had an exact record of what she said. He hardly paid attention. He just remembered these things sometimes. It didn't like, _mean _anything).

He was so preoccupied with bafflement that he didn't notice when she took her phone back.

"This is private property, Noah, though I don't expect you to know what that means, given that you…"

Blah, blah, blah fucking blah.

He had some serious texting to do, and Schue was oblivious, so that worked for him.

"_who the f is danny?"_

"_A friend, my dear puck. If you want to know more, I suggest you ask rach."_

"_whatever"_

"Guess you must not care, then. That's a shame. Rachel will be so disappointed."

"_wut"_

"_What?"_

"_hummel. Just tell me"_

"_I'm afraid I can say no more. You'll have to ask her. I'm in a student council meeting and blaine will have my head, but not in a good way, if I continue, so you'll have to ask her later'_

"_ever heard of tmi, dude?"_

"So."

"Is that how you normally start a conversation?" Rachel quipped, pasting sticky notes to her pimped-out agenda thing on her locker wall.

"You wound me, Berry."

"I'm sure I do."

She licked her finger before she unstuck another note from the pad, scribbling something down with a freaking ridiculous fuzzy purple pen.

"Kurt told me about 'Danny' or whoever."

She freezes mid-scribble and looks up at him with wide eyes.

"He wasn't supposed to do that."

"…why?" he asked, scratching the back of his neck.

"He was supposed to be a surprise," she pouted, shutting her locker door and hoisting her backpack over her shoulder.

"A 'surprise'?"

"He's coming to McKinley…not as a spy, though, so don't worry. He's not even coming to the Glee rehearsal. He has an early release on Wednesdays. Isn't that fabulous? They really have a nurturing administration there, they understand the need for dedicated students to have breaks and leisure-"

"So what's he like, like?" he asked, following her down the hall.

"Oh, I don't know. He's lovely, really. He likes Broadway, and Italian food, and he's vegetarian as well…we've been on a few dates. He's cute, in a preppy sort of-"

"I'mma have to stop you right there," he said, putting a hand on her shoulder.

"I need to get to French, I'm barely maintaining an A-"

"Yeah, whatever, this is like, important shit cuz you're getting all starry eyed and I need to tell you something."

"Yesss?"

"I'm sorry, but…clearly, he is gay."

She blinked a few times, hard(he didn't even know you COULD blink hard), and her lips pressed into a thin, white line, which really freaked him out, honestly, because they only got like that before she was going to seriously bitch out Schue, and…well, he was sufficiently freaked out also because the halls were almost empty and she hadn't even seemed to notice.

"Wow. That's…that's just wonderful, Noah. Thank you so much."

And with that, she spun on her heel and started making her way to the end of the wing.

"Wait…why are you all pissy?"

"You know Noah," she managed to project loud enough for him to hear, even though she was facing away from him, "I really thought we had reached some sort of understanding, since this year and Glee and everything, and since we had collaborated so successfully on a song, I really thought we were, you know, friends, but I guess I was just WRONG, hm?"

"What the fuck are you talking about…wait. I didn't mean he was gay in like, a bad way. Like…derogatory or whatever."

He managed to catch her shoulder and spin her towards him again.

"Gotta give me credit from that, I actually learned the word from you. Which means I listen, sometimes."

"Well, Noah, I _truly _appreciate that, but-"

"And you can't just say that and think I don't know when you say it like that you mean you truly don't appreciate it at all and want me to go away, because I totally know that's what you mean. So don't even try, cuz I'm not dumb."

She rolled her eyes again and turned away and he had to catch her again and that shit was getting old, especially since then she shook from him and practically sprinted down the hall.

"It is not a bad thing that he is gay," he ended up yelling at her like a maniac, "he just _is_, okay?"

"Not the point, Noah!" she yelled back.

Fuck.

Then what _was_ that point?

So, it was kind of an unspoken rule or whatever that Halo was the drinking game, and Super Mario Kart was the Mary Jane game. Puck wasn't really sure when this came into being, but it really just worked for everyone.

Suffice it to say, when Puck set a group text requesting the guys' presence in his basement and told them it was Mario Kart day, everyone came, and everyone brought the munchies they knew they would be scarfing later.

After Mike had beat everyone(dude was seriously perpetuating the Asian stereotype) and saved Princess Peach for the bajillionth time, Puck decided it was time to man up and pop the question. They were probably all sufficiently baked by now, anyway.

Puck placed the bong on the floor, lay down, and stretched his arms above his head.

"So..."

There was really no way to segue into this. Probably not any point trying.

"You dated Rachel for what, like, six months, right, Finn?"

"Yeeeah," Finn said in a high voice, flipping around and laying on his stomach, "silly."

"So, you, like, for scientific, hypothetical...for the good of mankind...and like, a natural curiousity, and cuz I'm bored and stuff...did you know why she was mad? When she was mad?"

"I _hated _when she was mad, dude," Finn said, reaching for the brownies, "it made me so upset. Like, I didn't know what to do."

"Hey," Sam said, slapping his hand away, "lay off, dude. You had four. Do you know how long it takes to work those off?"

"Are you saying I'm fat?" Finn said, pulling his knees to his chest and crossing his arms over them, "cuz that's like, not nice, dude. Not nice at all."

"Hey," Puck said, snapping his fingers, "focus, Finny D."

"I am focused," said Mike from his yoga criss-cross position, "I see the way and it is clear."

"The fuck are you on about, dude?"

"No wait. Listen to him. He's like...Yoda. He helped me with Brittany stuff," Artie said, slightly slumped in his wheelchair.

Mike scooted over on his knees and placed his hands on Puck's shoulders, hovering over his head with bugged out eyes.

"Dude. You're freaking me out."

"What is your question, Grasshopper?"

"Stop being so Asian."

"Stop being such a grumpy Jew."

"It is about the tiny one."

"I'll tell you if you get off me, weirdo," Puck said, pushing Mike off and flipping him around, pinning him to the ground.

"There is no need for violence."

Puck rolled his eyes, and jumped off just as easily, lying on the ground on his back again.

He gave an abridged version of the Rachel situation.

"That's almost too easy, dude."

"Could you NOT be a douche and just tell me what the fuck she was so mad about? I can't even think of what I said that was so wrong."

"You been thinking aboout that a lot, hmmm?"

"Shut up, Evans."

"Maybe if you actually grow some manners, I'll find it in myself to enlighten your sorry ass," Mike said with a quirked eyebrow.

This shit was just not kosher.

"Please?" Puck mananged through gritted teeth, "before I go all kamikaze on yours?"

"Better. So. Finn, can you remember what I told you about Rachel after she was upset during that Britney phase the girls were going through?"

"Oh yeah, I remember that. That was hot. But also, like, annoying. She's really good at being hot and-"

"Could you not wax on and off about your ex, given that you're dating someone else, dude?" asked Mike diplomatically. It was a far more diplomatic route than the one Puck decided, which was to get up, despite the fact that it made him woozy and shit, punch Finn in the shoulder, and lay back down serenely.

"OW. That like, seriously hurt."

"Sorry," Puck said in a flat voice, "the MJ must be messing with my depth perception."

"I'm not really sure what that means, but I'm pretty sure it has NOTHING to do with-"

"Shut it, Finn. Jesus H. Christ. And Mike, I'm pretty sure that is not what the Mr. Yamiagi meant. Just gonna throw that out there."

"I know that. Anyway. So. Rachel is like, special. And insecure, because people are constantly raggin' on her. So. Anything you say that is going to sound remotely like an insult towards her, she's gonna interpret as such."

"What," Puck, Sam, and Finn said in unison.

"Finn, I am going to resort to violence with you, swear to God. We went over this like 50 million times."

"Sorry," Finn mumbled sheepishly.

"I still don't get it. How is calling Dannyboy gay an insult?"

"Because, moron," Mike said in exasperation, "you're implying that no guy would actually spend time with her and like her unless he was gay. And by THAT, you're implying that she's not attractive."

"That's fucking retarded," Puck said, "that's not what I was trying to say at all."

"Welcome to my life," Finn said as he struggled to tie his shoes.

"I need to tell her that that was not what I meant," Puck said, ignoring his quasi-best-friend as usual, as he patted his jeans for his cell phone, "like, right-"

But before he could slide his phone open and type, Mike swooped in all ninja like and put Puck's phone is his own pocket.

"No can do, _compadre_. You're apologizing in person, and when you're not high off your ass."

Puck couldn't find the energy to argue with Mike's crazy logic, so he drifted off into a pot-induced nap instead.


End file.
